Him.

This month he would have been 4. I say he because I think I secretly wanted a little boy... more than a little girl. I knew what his name would have been, imagine what he would have looked like, and pretended how he would have sounded when he talked.

If I had done things slightly differently, I would have met him. The decision came so rapidly it was frightening, almost like there was no question as to what way it would have gone.It almost makes me a little weak in the knees sometimes to think about. But there really wasn't much of a choice; I was barely an adult myself, and we were definitely not fit to raise him.

The past years would have been so different for me... wouldn't have met the people I know, wouldn't have worked the places I've earned pay cheques from, travelled to the locations I've been to or just generally done the things I've done.

Blessing in disguise? Maybe... but it's still something that creeps into my thoughts pretty regularly. Especially this month.